Charles Winchester: Elegant Procurement Officer
by WingedPanther73
Summary: Charles Winchester joins the team to replace Frank. This is a sequel to Frank Burns: Chief Procurement Officer. Warnings: If you are easily offended, don't read this. Don't complain if you read it and don't like it.


Title: Charles Winchester: Elegant Procurement Officer

Author: WingedPanther73

Pairing(s)/Characters: Winchester, Pierce, Potter, Radar, Hunnicut

Rating: M

Summary: Charles Winchester joins the team to replace Frank. This is a sequel to Frank Burns: Chief Procurement Officer.

Warnings: If you are easily offended, don't read this. Don't complain if you read it and don't like it.

Disclaimer: MASH is owned by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.

Beta Reader: Sybil Rowan

* * *

Charles Emerson Winchester the Third smiled in smug satisfaction. The arrogance of Colonel Baldwin offering to teach _him_, of all people, the game of kings was simply ludicrous. There was a great deal of satisfaction to be had in schooling the arrogant twit in cribbage.

Making a small profit off him was even more satisfying. The sounds of Baldwin talking on the phone gave him a chance to double check his figures. It was a good thing, too. He'd missed six cents in his calculations.

The news of his impending travel to a MASH unit was, to say the least, disconcerting.

* * *

The travel to Seoul wasn't bad. The travel to the MASH unit, on the other hand, was insufferable. The concept of a road, on the other hand, was apparently a foreign concept to the foreign land. He was still trying to decide which mode of transportation was worse. The jeep was fast, but insufferable. The ox cart, on the other hand, was slow, but insufferable. It was really a choice between an extremely bumpy ride and a slightly less bumpy ride with the occasional perfume of fresh ox manure.

Overall, both modes of transportation were miserable. Despite the unpleasantness of the journey, it was only a prelude to his suffering. It began with a grinning idiot who turned out to be the company clerk. It only got worse as he met the old goat, Colonel Potter.

Then he discovered it was to be working with incompetents who couldn't handle a simple ventricular aneurysm. At least the head nurse appreciated his skill and talent. With a little luck, the idiots would learn how to say "Charles" and "Winchester" instead of "Chuck", "Charlie", or "Remington". The only thing good was that it was for a mere forty-eight hours.

* * *

The first day he attempted to eat, he nearly gagged. There was something called "breaded Spam" for dinner. It came with a side of mashed potatoes that should have been called strained potatoes. There was more water than potato to them. The gravy had more consistency than the potatoes they were on.

He was planning to eat at Rosie's the next day, but was coerced into giving the "special of the day" a try. Colonel Potter insisted he try it, as a rare treat. The company clerk seemed to be in a bit of a daze as he shoveled some sort of gruel into his mouth. They were serving some actual meat, that resembled steak. There was an oddly familiar flavor to it that he couldn't quite place. It was good, and brought back fond memories that he couldn't quite place.

It would be the only fond memory he carried out of that place, or so he thought. Given the choice between MASH 4077 and Levinworth, he could only hope for more memories that would drive him crazy. His attempt to call Tokyo through a broken drove him nearly insane. Colonel Potter was an irritant.

* * *

The first batch of surgery was interesting. They didn't seem to understand a simple concept. "I do one thing at a time; I do it very well; and then, I move on." He was given the bowel resection, and then had to suffer the indignity of losing his first patient to Captain Hunnicut.

Very quickly, he found himself unlearning everything he had ever learned. He felt like an idiot. It was not a pleasant feeling. He had been out-sown be two half-rate surgeons. It was humiliating.

On the other hand, the cheap rubber snake was a pleasure to inflict on Captain Pierce.

* * *

The next day, lunch was that odd steak again. "Do we have steak regularly at the front? I would have thought quality meat would be difficult to get around here."

Hunnicut paused between bites. "We manage to get deliveries on a somewhat regular basis. It seems to help out with morale."

"And does... Radar?... always choose that gruel over steak?"

Pierce had an empty mouth this time. "He says the gruel is brain food."

"I can hardly imagine that lad as a mental giant."

"Hunnicut and I find that Radar's quite talented. He helps us get the jump on new patients when they arrive, and keeps us in supplies. The kid grows on you."

"Like the fungus?"

"No, the fungus is unpleasant."

Charles tried to place the odd flavor. It wasn't true steak, as found at a butcher shop. He would have suspected water buffalo, but he was certain that it wasn't available in Boston. Mum and Dad would never have served something so low class to Honoria and himself, yet it reminded him of dinners when he was a child.

* * *

The strange meat became an obsession. Between the transvestite cook, and Radar speaking in sync with him, it was becoming insufferable. Having Major Hoolihan attempt to seduce him so briefly after her wedding was irritating as well. The only thing pleasant was the meat they sometimes served. The fact that the arrival of the heavenly meat was served with no relation to the arrival of supplies made things even more mysterious.

A gift package from Mum suddenly resolved the mystery for him. It included some home-made jerky. The family chef had dried some just for him, and it was the same flavor as the local fare. For the first time in a month, Charles smiled. Perhaps he was among his own kind after all.

* * *

The next day in surgery, he noticed that Pierce was performing an amputation that was not, strictly speaking, necessary. He had assumed that this was due to the man's limited competence in surgery, but now a different pattern presented itself.

"Oh, Pierce. Before you saw that man's leg off, perhaps I should show you a little technique I learned at Boston Medical."

"What's the matter, Charles, upset that I might upstage you at meatball surgery?"

"Not at all."

Potter chimed in. "Let him demonstrate, Pierce. We're almost done with this batch."

"The trick, Pierce, is to realize that an amputation attracts attention. Simply remove the damaged muscle, thusly, and you'll be able to get what is needed while preserving this young man's ability to walk."

With that, Charles produced three neatly crafted fillets without doing any more damage to the man's calf than the shrapnel had already done. A little muscle move from the thigh down to the calf produced a bit of spare as well.

"You see? It's a very simple procedure, actually. Now perhaps if you let me teach Klinger how to cook properly I'll be able to enjoy a small part of life here."

That evening, he had to endure references to "Chuck steaks", but was able to eat a properly seasoned steak without Klinger's ridiculous Lebanese spices.

* * *

Fin.


End file.
